Speaking Truth

Essay 29

April 6, 2026

I grew up in a home where expressing oneself was not only unwelcomed, it was not tolerated.  As an opinionated child, I was often punished for sharing my thoughts.  Questioning to understand others was met with responses like, “Because I said so” or “Because that’s just how it is”.  When I expressed sadness or hurt feelings, I recall many occasions where I received a sarcastic, “Poor you, your life is just so hard isn’t it?”  It’s really quite sad when I think of it now, especially for a child who was so incredibly sensitive.  I can’t imagine saying those words to a hurt child.

I often felt alone and misunderstood growing up.  I spent many hours in my bedroom, with the door shut, in my own little world.  I quickly learned that talking led to arguments, punishment, or mocking.  It all depended on the nature of the talking and the mood of the other people that day.  It was easier just to stay quiet.  There were definitely times when I felt I couldn’t hold back though.  My frustration or hurt would lead to explosions where I could no longer keep my feelings to myself.  Those explosions were usually met with physical punishment – spankings when I was younger or being smacked in the face as I got older.

Impacts of Programming

I don’t think I fully realized the negative impact that this environment had on me until the last year of my life.  I used to think that my childhood only affected my ability to express my feelings in my personal life.  I worked hard to heal that part of me.  I couldn’t cry in front of my friends until I was at least 25 years old.  Even then, it came with extreme shame.  In relationships, I didn’t know how to be vulnerable.  It took many years and many relationships to get past that fear.  I also bottled up negative feelings rather than expressing them.  It eventually turned into resentment or passive aggressive behavior.  Often, I couldn’t even name the feeling I was having.  I just knew it was something negative that didn’t feel good.

But it was more than just my personal relationships that were harmed.  It was affecting my work.  I had gone so many years without seeing it.  It was limiting my ability to be an effective leader in ways I had never realized.  Pieces started coming together.  Why did I avoid being honest and transparent with people until I was very close with them?  Why did I shy away from sharing critical but necessary feedback?  Why did I allow people to pile more work on me when I was already overloaded?  I didn’t know how to communicate hard things unless I got to the point of exploding.  I couldn’t explode at work, so I just avoided and internalized everything.

It’s ironic because I considered myself to be a great communicator at work.  In the past, I received positive feedback on the clarity and effectiveness of my communication.  But I was holding back so much due to fear of judgement, and it was holding me back.  I couldn’t blame anyone but me.

Fear of Judgement

I decided to make a change.  I started slowly at first.  Overcoming my fear of judgement preceded my fear of expressing myself because that was the root of the issue.  After meetings, I would typically replay everything I said, how I said it, what the reactions were from others.  I would scrutinize every detail, cringing if there was an imperfection.  I just stopped doing that.  It’s easier said than done now.  At the time, I had gotten to a place of such frustration with the people at work.  I asked myself why did I even care what they thought?  When I did everything right, I was still criticized.  My boss rarely acknowledged the effort I put in and the results I achieved. When I had only good intentions of helping others, people treated me terribly.  There was constant conflict.  If being perfect didn’t help, why was I trying so hard?  Why did I care so much?

Self-Love Heals

When I realized that the validation that I wanted at work was never going to come, I poured into myself.  I gave myself the validation I needed. I spent less time in the evening thinking about work and more time doing things that I loved.  I established mental boundaries.  When I logged off in the evening, I let the day go and knew it would be there in the morning for me to pick up again.  I stopped talking about work outside of work.  I stopped working extra hours to get things done.  I stopped feeling guilty when I said, “No I haven’t had time to look at that yet.”  It was a fact.  It wasn’t personal.  I stopped worrying about letting people down.  They surely hadn’t worried about letting me down.

I worked on my confidence at work also.  Rather than focusing on my imperfections, I reminded myself of how much I did and how much I have grown.  During annual performance reviews, I made a list of all of my accomplishments for the year.  I was stunned and impressed with myself.  There wasn’t a single major project that I hadn’t positively impacted in some way.  Many I led.  There was a long list of improvements made and goals achieved in my department that directly came from my ideas or my efforts.  I didn’t know anyone else who had a more impactful list.  I am amazing at my job, I told myself.  I just allowed these people to make me think that I wasn’t.

Finding My Voice

From then on, it was easy not to care what others thought at work.  I knew what I brought to the table. I focused on authenticity rather than perfection.  I cared more about what I thought of myself than what others thought of me. If people were going to take issue no matter what, I would rather be true to myself in the process.  I started saying what I honestly thought more.  I didn’t agonize over how it would be received.  I always kept it professional, but I was direct and unfiltered.  I learned that the more calmly and slowly I said things, the more direct I could be.  Removing emotion and keeping a neutral tone made everything more palatable.  And most importantly, it felt amazing.

I could tell that other people noticed a change in me.  It was triggering to some, especially my boss.  More often than not, I was simply stating facts.  I was saying the quiet part out loud.  I was asking for what I needed without apology.  For people like my boss, who benefited from my desire to be accepted in the past, it was a surprising shift.  As I stayed the course, however, something surprising happened.  People started to shift around me.  I felt more respect.  People who had challenged my authority in the past stopped pushing back.  And if they did push, I didn’t back down.  I doubled down.  I felt empowered.

Positive Progress

All of this culminated in a conversation with my boss’s boss recently.  It’s important to state that this is a man who I respect.  From everything I have seen of him, he is an excellent leader.  The conversation was scheduled to discuss my role.  My boss’s boss said some nice things, but ultimately told me that I wasn’t going to be promoted right now.  He seemed to know that this made me a flight risk.  I took the opportunity to calmly and directly explain that there is a misalignment that exists between my title and the scope of my role that should be addressed.  I stated the facts.  He ended up thanking me for my honesty, and he admitted that he did not realize some of the information I shared.  We discussed a path forward that would involve me meeting with him regularly.  He told me he wanted me to hold him accountable. I felt seen.

I have realized something important through this process.  There is nothing to fear from speaking truth.  It is freeing.  Holding truth that wants to be expressed will only poison you from within.  The people that don’t matter may take issue with your honesty.  Let them.  They will adjust how they move, or they will naturally fall away.  The people who have a place in your life will appreciate your truth. They will see your authenticity and recognize the strength in that. 

What truth are you speaking?

Love,

Phoenix Rising