Did I Just Help My Own Grandmother Transition?

Essay 4

September 5, 2023

My grandmother passed away on Sunday.  She was 94 years old.  She had been healthy up until earlier this year. It has been a slow and physically painful decline since then.  She was tough, and she fought hard, even pushing through excruciating physical therapy.  In the end, her aging body gave out on her.

The Days Leading Up

Last week, on Monday, she was taken to the hospital. Doctors told her that there was little chance she would return to the same condition that allowed her to live independently.  They provided options for next steps.  However, my grandmother announced that she was done.  Done fighting.  Done receiving treatments and procedures.  She told the family that she was ready for it to be over.  I respect her for fighting as long as she did.  Many would have given up long before her.

On Tuesday, my grandmother said her goodbyes to the family.  She told everyone that she loved them, and she asked my mother not to let her be in pain. 

Wednesday, my grandmother was transitioned to a hospice facility. She was given morphine to sedate her and make her comfortable.  I began to think about what she meant to me.  I reminisced on childhood memories of summer weekends spent with my grandparents. I thought about why I loved being at their house so much.  It occurred to me, maybe for the first time in my life, that my grandmother had never once criticized me.  She accepted me completely.  She made me feel like I was perfect exactly how I was.  No one else had ever done that.  She made me feel special and unconditionally loved.

On Thursday, a deep sadness came over me.  I began to think about the process of transitioning from this life.  How long would it take?  Would she be scared?  I prayed that angels would watch over her and keep her from suffering.  I hoped that my grandfather would come to take her hand as she was called to the light.  Then I started to wonder.  Had she prayed and asked God to take her?  My grandmother was a church woman.  Had she asked for forgiveness for her mistakes?  She was kind to every person she met, but all of us make mistakes, and no one is perfect.  I nervously waited for a phone call as thoughts of life and death consumed me.

Praying for Transition

Days passed, and on Sunday, I woke up feeling anxious.  I tried to keep busy, running errands and organizing the garage to distract my mind.  Everything seemed to irritate me though.  I thought about my grandmother being trapped in that bed. I wondered whether she was sick of lying there waiting.  I decided to meditate and pray. 

I began to think about forgiveness again.  What if we have to ask for forgiveness for God to take our soul from this earth?  My grandmother had been sedated for almost 5 days now.  What if she didn’t ask for forgiveness and now was unable to do so? 

I began to pray for her, as the tears streamed down my face, and my chest began to ache.  I asked God to forgive her for her sins.  Surely, if she ever did wrong or hurt anyone, she never intended to.  Please God, forgive her for her wrongs and take away her pain.  Please, allow her to leave this world in peace and no longer suffer.  Please, let the angels surround her and take her.  Please, let her be with my grandfather again. 

I prayed hard, repeating it over and over in my mind as the tears continued to flow.  Then, I clearly saw the face of my grandmother flash brightly in my mind’s eye.  She was smiling.  Suddenly, my prayers were interrupted by my phone ringing beside me.  I opened my eyes and saw “Mom” on the phone.  This was the call. I already knew.  “Hello?” I said hesitantly.  “Your grandmother just passed away.  Your sister was with her.”  I was speechless.  I sat in shock for several minutes, having a difficult time fathoming the timing of events.  I found it difficult to formulate words. I almost whispered as I tried to call out to my wife in the other room to tell her the news.

Death is a mysterious thing.  Maybe that day was a mere coincidence. In my heart, I will hold onto the feeling that I helped my grandmother that day.  The only thought I had after that moment was – now, she is free.  Rest in peace forever, and I will see you again someday.

Love,

Phoenix Rising