Projections and Limiting Beliefs

Essay 31

May 21, 2026

I have always thought I could do anything I put my mind to.  My mom instilled that in me repeatedly as a child.  She told me I could do anything and be anything I wanted, and I believed her.  The sky was the limit.  I navigated my life that way as an adult.  When something knocked me down, I got back up.  I developed an almost stubborn confidence in my abilities.  For a long time, no one could tell me anything, especially when it came to my career.

As time went on, the people around me slowly chipped away at that confidence. So slowly that I didn’t even notice it happening.  It wasn’t until I came out on the other side that I realized what took place.  I had ended up in a deep hole of stress, wallowing, and self-pity before I made the conscious decision to detach from my career.  Not physically, but mentally and emotionally.  I had to slowly unwind my identity and my worth from my professional role and my achievements. And now that I keep my emotional distance from what happens at my job, I have so much more clarity about myself and the people around me.

A Mirror for Others

There is something in me that triggers others.  I realize now that it has been happening all my life.  There’s nothing unusual or intentional that I do.  I believe it is simply my presence.  Maybe it activates something inside others. Maybe it reflects their insecurities back to them. It leads to others projecting their thoughts and feelings onto me.  Sometimes the qualities that others first liked about me become the things that eventually irritate them.  I find that that happens most in people who are not ready to look at themselves.

I operate sincerely in everything I do.  I am not good at being fake, and I don’t wish to be.  At my current job, everyone operates with a strategy.  The way they speak, the words they choose to use, the relationships they foster, the side conversations they have.  Everything has a motive behind it.  I see it clearly, but I don’t react to it.  Maybe they simply think I’m too dumb to see.  And because everyone else has a strategy or sneaky intentions, I find that they assume I do too.  In reality, I am just trying to do my job well and earn my paycheck.

Unexpected Conflict

Last week, I had a regular check-in meeting with an employee, and I attempted to give her some suggestions.  She had been taking a lot of heat from leadership, in meetings recently, about her team’s performance. I was simply trying to point her in the right direction to improve future results.  I communicated calmly and with a pleasant tone.  The reaction I got was surprising to say the least.  “Where is this coming from?!  Did someone say something about this?”  Her face looked irritated.  I responded calmly and said I was simply trying to help.  We went back and forth for a few minutes, and she made a couple more rude comments.

I wish I could say this was the first time this happened.  At the end of the call, I addressed her reaction.  She said that I made her feel like she wasn’t doing something that she was supposed to be doing.  I explained that I never said those words, and I didn’t think I communicated anything poorly to her, so I was surprised by the type of reaction I got.  I said I was truly just doing my job, as her manager, and trying to help.  My only goal was to collaborate on solutions.

This type of interaction has happened again and again at work.  In the past, I internalized it.  As a sensitive person, it would upset me when people lashed out at me.  On several occasions, I cried as soon as the meeting ended.  I criticized myself relentlessly.  I adjusted my communication.  I softened my tone.  I contorted myself in every way possible to achieve different results in my interactions.  And yet, the reactions didn’t change.  It finally occurred to me that I wasn’t the problem.

The Realization

Everything came full circle for me after a rare conversation with my father.  I called him on his birthday.  During our conversation I shared that a recruiter had recently reached out to me about a very big job.  He said, “THEY reached out to YOU?”  I told him yes, that they had asked me to apply.  “Well, you know those recruiters just have to reach a quota”.  It took a moment for me to understand what he was saying.  I told him it paid a lot of money, and I was going to apply.  He said, “Well I can’t imagine that they would hire YOU without a degree”.

I reflected all evening about what my dad said to me.  At first, I was in disbelief at how he diminished something that I was very proud of.  I replayed his words over and over until I got angry.  I thought back to my adolescence and when I was deciding what to do with my future.  “It’s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond”, my dad would say.  I disagree with every fiber of my being, I thought to myself.  I would rather surround myself with bigger fish and an environment that helps me grow.  Maybe somewhere deep inside I had held onto that limiting belief that he placed on me.

I called my mom the next day.  I shared with her what my dad said to me and how much it bothered me.  We talked for a while, and in her lovely encouraging way, she made me feel better.  She shared that my dad could have gone further in his career, but he chose to take the easy road.  She said that I’m not like him – I’m not scared.  She said that he is in disbelief at how successful I am.  And she shared that she asked him once, “Are you jealous of your own daughter?”  He said, “Maybe I am”.  Everything made sense.

Unconscious Beliefs and Lessons

My entire life, my father has projected his fears onto me.  It’s safer to stay small.  Taking risks could lead to failure.  My life has been full of risks, and they have had the biggest payoffs. In our recent conversation, he deterred me from applying for a great opportunity.  And a big part of me wanted to apply and get the job just to prove him wrong.  But I don’t need to prove anything anymore.  I know who I am.

I’m learning how to keep a protective bubble around me.  I understand that when people react poorly, it is rarely about me.  It is more about what they think of themselves – their fears, their insecurities, their shortcomings and self-judgement.  I don’t take things personally.  It has been a long road, but I am choosing to remain grounded in my identity.  I am no longer looking for outside validation.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the reason why this dynamic continues to play out.  Is it because everyone around me is terrible and wrong?  No, I don’t think so.  People tend to be mirrors for us, just as we can be mirrors for them.  And maybe somewhere inside, there is still a piece of me who thinks I’m not good enough, who thinks I have hit my ceiling.  Maybe there is a piece that is scared to go farther, to step fully into the person I am capable of being, to be seen in my authenticity.  And maybe that is my lesson in all of this. 

What limiting beliefs are you holding onto?

Love,

Phoenix Rising