The Greatest Fear

Essay 18

January 12, 2025

I’m not afraid of dying.  My spirituality has helped me to understand that this never ends, and my soul will go on for eternity.  I’m not afraid of leaving this earth because I know that this lifetime is but a small snippet in time compared to the journey that my soul will continue to take.  What awaits me beyond is freedom from the pain and struggle that is part of this incarnation on earth.  What I am afraid of, however, is being left here.

My greatest fear is losing the ones closest to me.  Although I know that the same is true for their souls as with mine, and that we will meet again after this life, I am terrified of the pain that comes with that loss in the physical world – the grieving process which can’t be rushed or avoided, the inevitable void that is left in the spot that they once filled, and the relearning how to live life without them here.  These are the things that worry me most in life.

When my grandmother, the closest person to me that I have lost to date, passed away last year, I experienced random bouts of crying that would hit me out of nowhere and go on for hours.  The tears would stream down my face like a running faucet that I couldn’t shut off, as I just sat and stared quietly.  I still remember the deep, aching feeling in my chest.  Each day a different type of sadness would hit me – first, for the realization that I would never speak to her again.  The next day, sadness for the suffering she endured.  Then, the realization of the way that she loved me, and the regret that I hadn’t done better at loving her in return.  There were so many layers to process through.  Months later, I would have random days that I missed her, and everything came back to the surface again.

I am terrified of what that process will look and feel like when it is my mother or possibly my wife.  I am scared for the day when I can no longer hug them again, when I can no longer call them to share good news with them.  I am scared of a time when all the things that they do to bring laughter and joy into my life are gone.  I am scared of the longing I will feel to have them back, right in front of me.  Most of all, I am scared of the void that will be left in my heart, that could never be filled with anything or anyone else.

I accept that death is a part of life that we all share.  I also know that my loved ones will always be around me, even if just in spirit after they have crossed over.  I have faith that God will guide me through my grief when the time comes, and that I will still find joy in this world after loss.  But if ever there was a prayer that I hoped was heard, I pray that there are many more years ahead before that day comes.  And until then, I will do my best to love them while they are here and appreciate the time that I will never get back.

Love,

Phoenix Rising