On Releasing Rejection Wounds

Essay 23

May 10, 2025

I woke up at 4:30am in tears today.  This happens from time to time when I have vivid dreams that invoke emotion.  I have been sensing lately that I was repressing something that needed to be released.  I wasn’t able to identify it in my waking life.  Nothing was coming up in my meditations either.  My dream finally brought it to the surface.

“I’ve been rejected my whole life.  It happens everywhere I go.  Friendships.  Relationships.  At work.  It’s like everyone misunderstands me.  No one can really see me, and I don’t know why,” I said to my wife through my sobs. 

“I see you,” she tried to comfort me and make me feel better.  She really does see me.  She’s probably the first and only person who understands me 100%.  She sees my heart.  She understands my intentions.  She doesn’t doubt me.  There’s so much unspoken understanding and pure acceptance between us.

“It’s okay though.  It’s really okay.  This is just how it has to be.”  I felt like I finally accepted my struggles.  Although I was crying, I didn’t necessarily feel sad about it.  I didn’t feel bad for myself like I had in the past.  I think I was just releasing what was left of my hidden emotions today.  I know that this is just my path, and I’m okay with walking it mostly alone.

In my dream, I was sitting at a table with my wife and a group of friends.  I felt like I wasn’t really close with the friends. One of them said to me, “Well you never made an effort.  She does.  She reaches out to us.” They motioned toward my wife.  I felt awful.  I didn’t understand what type of effort I was supposed to make, when they also hadn’t made an effort with me.  Didn’t they know that I wanted to be their friend?  I always showed up to every invite, every gathering.  I was nice to everyone.  I didn’t understand what I missed.

Social Challenges

This has been a theme in my life.  I have always struggled socially.  I don’t know how to navigate building new relationships. In recent years I have come to the realization that I am probably on the autism spectrum. 

As a child, my parents called me “bashful”.  For years, I thought I was just shy and introverted.  My parents would get irritated with me when I wouldn’t speak to people.  My father frequently told me that I was rude and acted stuck up.  The truth was that I was scared and didn’t know what to say.  I refused to speak when we left our house most of the time.  I hated talking to people I didn’t know.  Sometimes, it felt like I was trying in my head, but I couldn’t find or force the words out.

As an adult, I have struggled to maintain relationships.  I detest small talk, and I’m terrible at keeping a conversation going.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to talk to people about. I have only recently realized that I’m supposed to ask follow-up questions of people to express my interest in what they are saying.  I literally googled this information. 

I used to think that if people wanted to share something, they would.  I thought that simply listening and reacting showed my interest.  I usually enjoy listening for as long as someone wants to talk.  I’m a good listener. I like learning about people, and it also means that I don’t have to talk. I also thought that sharing a related story of my own showed that I was trying to connect and convey that we have had similar experiences.  I thought it was participating in the conversation. I now understand that to some people, this comes off like I’m always trying to make things about me.  I’m not.  I’m just trying to relate and find something worth saying.

I don’t know why it has taken me so many years to realize that I’m probably autistic.  It seems obvious now.  I have two family members who are diagnosed with autism. I exhibit all the signs on the checklist. It probably didn’t occur to me because I’m a woman, and we learn to mask.  Because I’m high-functioning.  I have learned all my social behaviors by carefully observing others to know what is appropriate in different situations and then copying their behaviors. Probably because no one ever suggested autism as a possibility. Probably because people told me I was just shy or anti-social. Probably because I became a leader in the corporate world and have learned how to speak confidently and eloquently to a crowd when needed.  But no one hears my internal dialogue and how I struggle.  No one hears how I tell myself, “say something!” in social situations, but I truly can’t pull words out.  No one understands how much I want to connect with people, but I just don’t know how.

Navigating Relationships

I once heard someone say that all their friendships were with people who just claimed them as a friend.  That’s how I feel about the few great friendships I have had in my life.  They pushed past my weirdness.  They were persistent in communicating or asking me to hang out.  They liked having someone who just listened and quietly did what they wanted to do.  And before I knew it, we were attached.

Some friendships lasted a season.  Some of them lasted for years.  But they all eventually ended, usually in some sort of misunderstanding.  Or maybe once I finally grew comfortable being fully myself, they didn’t exactly like what they saw.  I admit that I was very unhealed in my younger years. Many other friendships just never seemed to get off the ground, no matter how much potential I saw.

I have spent long spans of my life as a loner.  I’m rather good at it.  I used to find it sad and lonely, but now I just find it peaceful.  I spend my time doing whatever I want, on all my weird interests.  Would it be nice to have a friend that I could invite over from time to time?  Yes, but I’m okay with not having that now.

I’m also not entirely alone.  I have my wife.  I’m pretty sure that she’s high-functioning autistic too.  She doesn’t think that I’m weird because she exhibits some of the same behaviors as me. She’s awkward at times, and I love every bit of it.  Often, we communicate almost telepathically.  We know what the other one is thinking, and we finish each other’s thoughts.  We know what the other needs, and little needs to be explained.  I’m beyond grateful that I found someone who fully sees my soul and accepts all of me completely, without judgment.

Repressed Emotions

My dream reminded me that I have never quite felt like I belonged here, in this world.  I feel like I’m different, like the world was not made for me.  Maybe I feel like the world, as a whole, has rejected me.  Since my spiritual awakening, I have even more trouble relating to others than ever.  I hear their conversations, and I have no interest in the topics.  I don’t care to talk about other people, or celebrities, or politics.  I don’t care to drink or go out.  I just want to learn, evolve, and be in nature.  And if I can find ways to put love into the world, it brings me joy. That’s really it.

I know that there are other people like me out there also.  We just haven’t crossed paths yet.  I know that there is a purpose for us too.  We see beyond the illusion and distraction of the world.  We know that there is more than just this physical reality. Maybe we have trouble communicating with words because we can feel energy without them.  It becomes tough to live in this world once you have been awakened to the truth.

How are you releasing old wounds?

Love,

Phoenix Rising